Perfectionism

This is a post that has been simmering in my head for a long time. When you start reading about gifted kids, several common characteristics come up. Dermot has most of them. The perfectionism and intensity are the two main ones that we are trying to cope with, unsatisfactorily, I must admit. Ethan and I both have perfectionist parts to ourselves, but they are mainly work-centered. We try to keep that out of our house, although, I would argue that I do a better job of that than Ethan does. Either way, we both slip up and Dermot does see our perfectionism. That being said, he is worse than the two of us combined, and he has been since toddlerhood.

Dermot has no patience for anything that he cannot do perfectly the first time. He will either hit himself or the couch, quit and never try again, or scream/grunt. I have a million examples, but I'm going to try to focus on the classic examples.

Dermot hit all of his early milestones on time or early until it came to sitting up. Dermot didn't sit up until 8 months. I was told that if he wasn't sitting up by 9 months, the doctor would be worried and would start running tests. I knew that Dermot was okay, and I didn't want to deal with tests. As a developmental psychologist, I was taught that babies reach the milestones when they are meant to. Pushing kids doesn't really make the early physical milestones happen any earlier. So I hadn't really pushed Dermot. Once I got the warning about testing, however, I started working with Dermot. We had a bunch of toys that Dermot needed to sit up to play with that we had stored away until he was sitting up. Within a week of pulling out all of these toys, Dermot was sitting up. It was as if he didn't have a reason to sit up, so he didn't try.

Later, he walked late. He started cruising at around 10 months of age. Our house in Iowa had an open plan and he could get pretty much anywhere by holding on to walls, railings, or furniture. He didn't walk until 15 months. He practiced walking for 5 months because he was afraid to do it without being able to do it perfectly. Once he started walking, he never fell. Ever. He also never took one or two steps. Once he walked, he walked. Within a week he looked like he had been walking for months and he was running within days. He wouldn't walk until he could do it perfectly.

When Dermot was in preschool, I pushed pre-reading on him pretty hard. I was an early reader, and I assumed because Dermot was bright that he would be an early reader too. He wasn't, and that's fine. I had to get over my assumptions and focus on who he was. The hard part was hearing him talk about reading. At 4 he would tell me that he was never going to read. It was too hard and therefore it wasn't worth doing. He told me that when he was in college, I would need to read his books to him. He saw no point in reading. Thank goodness for video games and Pokemon. He eventually got sick of having to ask us to read everything in order for him to play.

By the middle of kindergarten Dermot was opening up to reading. They taught reading in his kindergarten by having the kids memorize 150 sight words in groups of 5. Dermot loved this because he got a reward for knowing a certain amount of words. Then, of course, Dermot hit the point where he was not the first kid to learn all 150 words (I think he was third). This was horrible. As soon as the first kid got 150, Dermot gave up for a while. How dare he not "win". Finally the lure of the prize for all 150 was enough to get him back on the horse, but we had to be really careful how we handled him during this time.

More recently, Dermot won't bowl because he can't beat us. He won't play mini golf because he can't beat us. When we were in Ocean City this last time, I asked him if it would be okay if he played mini golf by himself. I thought that I found the answer. I told him that the only way to get better was to practice and that a person should always compare their performance to their previous performances, not to the performances of others. Dermot said that it would be stupid to play by himself because then his score wouldn't matter. His score only mattered if he could compare it someone else's. He decided that it would be okay if he played mini golf against Ethan as long as Ethan played with his non-strong hand and with his eye closed. Well Ethan did all that and still managed to get a hole in one on the first hole. Oh my goodness, did Dermot throw a fit. So then he started just hitting the ball without looking. He was losing on purpose. Half way through he was so frustrated that he just started crying. It wasn't fair that he couldn't win even with Ethan closing his eyes.

Honestly, I hate to see Dermot go through this pain, when it feels so self-inflicted. I know that it's completely who he is and at this age he has no control over it. I try to demonstrate handling loss and imperfection the correct way. I laugh at myself. I point out how I'm going to do better next time. I analyze my mistakes in front of him, so that he sees that not succeeding is just a chance to figure out how to do things better. The problem is it's hard to pay attention to someone being calm when things go wrong. His emotions also come up so hard and fast, that at this age he has no control over them. I try to keep that in mind when working with him, but it's also really annoying having an intelligent child act like a toddler when things don't go his way.

I am slowing working with Dermot on two fronts. First, having to work at something and being challenged is fantastic. That's when you know you are learning. Easy stuff is boring. Challenging stuff is life affirming. Second, no one is good at everything. Eventually we all have to do things we are not good at. Childhood is the best time to learn how to cope with that reality.

The hardest part is that I have limited coping skills when it comes to my own perfectionism. So it's hard to pass on what you don't really have. Right now I'm mainly trying to do it verbally and by being emotionally supportive, but that's a really slow road.