I don't know about your families, but my family is having a hard time readjusting to the new school year. I don't know if it's my schedule or if it's because Dermot and I had two months of very little scheduled time. My schedule changes every semester. Most of my colleagues get roughly the same schedule every semester, but I haven't been able to do that. This semester I've already had several meetings in one week, and I just got an email setting up a bunch more meetings. I have real work to do. I don't need to sit around in meetings. I'm teaching 5 classes face to face, and one online course. That's a lot of grading and preparing.
I haven't even added in Dermot's extra-curricular stuff yet, and I really have to do that. The thought of having to take him to math twice a week is just killing me. If I take him as early as possible with my schedule, then we get home late for dinner. If I take him to the latest possible session in the day, then we're rushing to eat dinner. I don't know what the right answer is for us. I could do math on a weekday and a Saturday, but Dermot has asked for a day off, and I don't blame him. I do want him to rest. He will be attending Magic class at the Montclair State University gifted weekend program from the beginning of October to the middle of December. I can choose Saturday or Sunday, and I think that Dermot wants Sunday. Since I'll be handling math during the week, magic will become Ethan's task.
I don't remember feeling so rushed and over-scheduled before. I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it gets better. How soon before Dermot can stay at home after school by himself? Can you imagine if he was an athletic kid too? I would go crazy.
September 17, 2011
September 12, 2011
Wait... What?
This morning I got to meet Dermot's teacher finally. He has to be there early all week because he is "classroom helper". He gets to set up the calendar and tell the students what the current temperature is. Because of his assignment, he has to be at school 15 minutes early. I took advantage of the empty school to meet his teacher.
Even better, I only teach one class today. I was home by 3:00 after doing some grocery shopping on the home. The phone rings around 3:30, and I assumed it was Ethan. Behold! It was Dermot's new second grade teacher. She was calling me to tell me that she had had a talk with Dermot's principal about Dermot's academic background. She told me that she knows things are too easy for him now, especially in math, but that she's working on it. She said that there's going to be a meeting on Wednesday when the gifted teacher is at Dermot's school to talk about what they can do for him. She asked me to be patient. Even better, she told me that she pulled Dermot aside today and she told him that she knew the work was too easy for him, but that he needs to be patient and she'll work on something for him.
I told her that when he came home on Friday, he asked me if I had told the teacher he was smart, because he was really irritated that the math they were doing was simple addition and subtraction. I told her that I told him that he was going to have to deal with it for a while. I reminded him that she needs to figure out where 21 different kids are. Plus, the beginning of school is always review because some kids really do forget stuff over the summer. I told him to not worry about the academic component for know and to just enjoy being around his friends. I told his new teacher that and she repeatedly thanked me for helping her out and being on her side.
I've never been against Dermot's teachers. I just always want a little bit more than they are giving. I am very aware that teachers have one of the toughest jobs on the planet. I am a huge believer in parents and teachers creating a team to work out the best outcomes for kids. In the long run fighting with a teacher is just going to hurt a student regardless of how it might make a parent feel.
I did have to remind the teacher that Dermot needs advanced work in spelling too, not just math. His school keeps forgetting that. I told her that I had test scores that I had sent to the principal, but apparently, he didn't pass them on to her. I, of course, have made a copy for her. She's the one directly working with Dermot. She's the one who needs all of the information that I can give to her.
His spelling words this week were plan, am, etc. I told Ethan that we need to demand that no spelling words be allowed to be one syllable unless they are really difficult or irregular (like weird). I'm kidding. I'm not that invasive. The teacher can figure things out on her own. She told me the spelling would take a few weeks too. Dermot seems to give teachers the benefit of the doubt when they talk to him one on one give their perspective. So hopefully the teacher's chat today, and my reinforcement of it at home will keep him happy for the few weeks it takes to get things up and running. We'll see. I am delighted, however, that she was lovely enough to make the phone call today. She certainly did not need to. I am hoping this is a sign of a great year.
Even better, I only teach one class today. I was home by 3:00 after doing some grocery shopping on the home. The phone rings around 3:30, and I assumed it was Ethan. Behold! It was Dermot's new second grade teacher. She was calling me to tell me that she had had a talk with Dermot's principal about Dermot's academic background. She told me that she knows things are too easy for him now, especially in math, but that she's working on it. She said that there's going to be a meeting on Wednesday when the gifted teacher is at Dermot's school to talk about what they can do for him. She asked me to be patient. Even better, she told me that she pulled Dermot aside today and she told him that she knew the work was too easy for him, but that he needs to be patient and she'll work on something for him.
I told her that when he came home on Friday, he asked me if I had told the teacher he was smart, because he was really irritated that the math they were doing was simple addition and subtraction. I told her that I told him that he was going to have to deal with it for a while. I reminded him that she needs to figure out where 21 different kids are. Plus, the beginning of school is always review because some kids really do forget stuff over the summer. I told him to not worry about the academic component for know and to just enjoy being around his friends. I told his new teacher that and she repeatedly thanked me for helping her out and being on her side.
I've never been against Dermot's teachers. I just always want a little bit more than they are giving. I am very aware that teachers have one of the toughest jobs on the planet. I am a huge believer in parents and teachers creating a team to work out the best outcomes for kids. In the long run fighting with a teacher is just going to hurt a student regardless of how it might make a parent feel.
I did have to remind the teacher that Dermot needs advanced work in spelling too, not just math. His school keeps forgetting that. I told her that I had test scores that I had sent to the principal, but apparently, he didn't pass them on to her. I, of course, have made a copy for her. She's the one directly working with Dermot. She's the one who needs all of the information that I can give to her.
His spelling words this week were plan, am, etc. I told Ethan that we need to demand that no spelling words be allowed to be one syllable unless they are really difficult or irregular (like weird). I'm kidding. I'm not that invasive. The teacher can figure things out on her own. She told me the spelling would take a few weeks too. Dermot seems to give teachers the benefit of the doubt when they talk to him one on one give their perspective. So hopefully the teacher's chat today, and my reinforcement of it at home will keep him happy for the few weeks it takes to get things up and running. We'll see. I am delighted, however, that she was lovely enough to make the phone call today. She certainly did not need to. I am hoping this is a sign of a great year.
September 08, 2011
First Day - 2nd Grade
My baby started second grade yesterday, and it was a good day. We had some rain here, which makes for a weird first day of school, but it turned out nicely because the parents were less likely to hang around and let the little ones be clingy. Dermot, of course, didn't care, and I'm happy about that.
Here's the crazy part - we got tons of communication telling us how the first day of school was supposed to go down. All kids would line up outside by their new teacher, then the teacher will take them inside. For the rest of the year, the kids line up inside. So Dermot and I get to the school and every single class is outside except for his. His teacher (and I don't blame her) didn't want to wait out in the rain, so she had them go inside to wait. Unfortunately, this means that I didn't get to meet her. I was hoping to introduce myself to her on the first day, but it didn't happen.
The worst part about Dermot's first day of school was that it happened on the day of the week when I teach my night class. I wasn't home when Dermot got home. I didn't get home until 9:30. Of course, he was so excited and I knocked something over and made a noise, so he came down to see me just a little bit before he went back to bed. I didn't get to hear all of the stories that Ethan got to hear, though.
Dermot was so excited to be back at school and with his friends that he talked about it all night apparently. That makes me happy. We've had a really hard time getting his friends together. In a couple of years, he can walk over to their houses by himself, but for now, he still needs some parental involvement.
Last year he didn't get to pick who he ate lunch with, this year he did. So Dermot and his three friends sit together for lunch and they also got to sit together for art class which started yesterday. He's thrilled, and so am I. His teacher did some puzzle-y, silly things for day 1 and that really made a positive impression on Dermot, too. He's really looking forward to seeing what she has to offer.
Dermot likes to play cool and pretend that he doesn't like school during the summer break, but he really does. He likes having a purpose and being around his friends. I love that for him too. I'm not even worried about the academic component yet. I just want him to take his time re-adjusting and enjoying the social aspect of school. Now we're going to have to have talks about how great friends are, but goofing off with them at school will probably mean that they don't get to sit together. All things in moderation. Right?
Here's the crazy part - we got tons of communication telling us how the first day of school was supposed to go down. All kids would line up outside by their new teacher, then the teacher will take them inside. For the rest of the year, the kids line up inside. So Dermot and I get to the school and every single class is outside except for his. His teacher (and I don't blame her) didn't want to wait out in the rain, so she had them go inside to wait. Unfortunately, this means that I didn't get to meet her. I was hoping to introduce myself to her on the first day, but it didn't happen.
The worst part about Dermot's first day of school was that it happened on the day of the week when I teach my night class. I wasn't home when Dermot got home. I didn't get home until 9:30. Of course, he was so excited and I knocked something over and made a noise, so he came down to see me just a little bit before he went back to bed. I didn't get to hear all of the stories that Ethan got to hear, though.
Dermot was so excited to be back at school and with his friends that he talked about it all night apparently. That makes me happy. We've had a really hard time getting his friends together. In a couple of years, he can walk over to their houses by himself, but for now, he still needs some parental involvement.
Last year he didn't get to pick who he ate lunch with, this year he did. So Dermot and his three friends sit together for lunch and they also got to sit together for art class which started yesterday. He's thrilled, and so am I. His teacher did some puzzle-y, silly things for day 1 and that really made a positive impression on Dermot, too. He's really looking forward to seeing what she has to offer.
Dermot likes to play cool and pretend that he doesn't like school during the summer break, but he really does. He likes having a purpose and being around his friends. I love that for him too. I'm not even worried about the academic component yet. I just want him to take his time re-adjusting and enjoying the social aspect of school. Now we're going to have to have talks about how great friends are, but goofing off with them at school will probably mean that they don't get to sit together. All things in moderation. Right?
September 04, 2011
The Start of School
I have never been so ready for Dermot's school to start. He only gets two months off, but he never wants to do anything during those months. I also come up with plans that just don't happen. I need to be more forceful and ignore his whining, but it's my summer break too.
Anyway, Dermot starts school on Wednesday, and because of all of the flooding out here, I start school on Tuesday. He'll be at his daycare on Tuesday, which will give all of us a break.
I'm excited for Dermot to start second grade. Every year I keep thinking, this will be the year where they get it. I sent off Dermot's test scores from the Gifted Child Clinic and all we got back was a "thank you" note from the principal. I did mention skipping a grade, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. The social scientist in me is so angry that educators don't make decisions based on research, but based on their gut feelings. What is the point of research, especially well-done research, if no one heeds it? But again, my self-righteousness is a common characteristic among gifted people. If grade skipping was so bad for kids, then why are thousands of kids skipped each year with minor problems? I'm sure it isn't for everyone, but if it was bad for everyone then it wouldn't be happening to several thousands of kids. My mom was skipped, I was skipped, my mom agreed to skip several children - all successfully - when she was principal, and everyone was fine.
Oh well, I will continue to advocate for Dermot in different ways. The saddest thing to me, is that it seems as if Dermot's curiosity has disappeared, and that kills me. He doesn't want to learn about anything anymore. He doesn't want to dig around on google or wikipedia to see how things work, or why things happen, or what has happened in the past. That to me was what was so beautiful about my childhood. There were so many things to learn and know. There still are. I don't know if Dermot just has the end of the summer blahs (which is what I am hoping for) or if it's something else. I guess only time will tell.
Anyway, Dermot starts school on Wednesday, and because of all of the flooding out here, I start school on Tuesday. He'll be at his daycare on Tuesday, which will give all of us a break.
I'm excited for Dermot to start second grade. Every year I keep thinking, this will be the year where they get it. I sent off Dermot's test scores from the Gifted Child Clinic and all we got back was a "thank you" note from the principal. I did mention skipping a grade, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. The social scientist in me is so angry that educators don't make decisions based on research, but based on their gut feelings. What is the point of research, especially well-done research, if no one heeds it? But again, my self-righteousness is a common characteristic among gifted people. If grade skipping was so bad for kids, then why are thousands of kids skipped each year with minor problems? I'm sure it isn't for everyone, but if it was bad for everyone then it wouldn't be happening to several thousands of kids. My mom was skipped, I was skipped, my mom agreed to skip several children - all successfully - when she was principal, and everyone was fine.
Oh well, I will continue to advocate for Dermot in different ways. The saddest thing to me, is that it seems as if Dermot's curiosity has disappeared, and that kills me. He doesn't want to learn about anything anymore. He doesn't want to dig around on google or wikipedia to see how things work, or why things happen, or what has happened in the past. That to me was what was so beautiful about my childhood. There were so many things to learn and know. There still are. I don't know if Dermot just has the end of the summer blahs (which is what I am hoping for) or if it's something else. I guess only time will tell.
August 30, 2011
Perfectionism
This is a post that has been simmering in my head for a long time. When you start reading about gifted kids, several common characteristics come up. Dermot has most of them. The perfectionism and intensity are the two main ones that we are trying to cope with, unsatisfactorily, I must admit. Ethan and I both have perfectionist parts to ourselves, but they are mainly work-centered. We try to keep that out of our house, although, I would argue that I do a better job of that than Ethan does. Either way, we both slip up and Dermot does see our perfectionism. That being said, he is worse than the two of us combined, and he has been since toddlerhood.
Dermot has no patience for anything that he cannot do perfectly the first time. He will either hit himself or the couch, quit and never try again, or scream/grunt. I have a million examples, but I'm going to try to focus on the classic examples.
Dermot hit all of his early milestones on time or early until it came to sitting up. Dermot didn't sit up until 8 months. I was told that if he wasn't sitting up by 9 months, the doctor would be worried and would start running tests. I knew that Dermot was okay, and I didn't want to deal with tests. As a developmental psychologist, I was taught that babies reach the milestones when they are meant to. Pushing kids doesn't really make the early physical milestones happen any earlier. So I hadn't really pushed Dermot. Once I got the warning about testing, however, I started working with Dermot. We had a bunch of toys that Dermot needed to sit up to play with that we had stored away until he was sitting up. Within a week of pulling out all of these toys, Dermot was sitting up. It was as if he didn't have a reason to sit up, so he didn't try.
Later, he walked late. He started cruising at around 10 months of age. Our house in Iowa had an open plan and he could get pretty much anywhere by holding on to walls, railings, or furniture. He didn't walk until 15 months. He practiced walking for 5 months because he was afraid to do it without being able to do it perfectly. Once he started walking, he never fell. Ever. He also never took one or two steps. Once he walked, he walked. Within a week he looked like he had been walking for months and he was running within days. He wouldn't walk until he could do it perfectly.
When Dermot was in preschool, I pushed pre-reading on him pretty hard. I was an early reader, and I assumed because Dermot was bright that he would be an early reader too. He wasn't, and that's fine. I had to get over my assumptions and focus on who he was. The hard part was hearing him talk about reading. At 4 he would tell me that he was never going to read. It was too hard and therefore it wasn't worth doing. He told me that when he was in college, I would need to read his books to him. He saw no point in reading. Thank goodness for video games and Pokemon. He eventually got sick of having to ask us to read everything in order for him to play.
By the middle of kindergarten Dermot was opening up to reading. They taught reading in his kindergarten by having the kids memorize 150 sight words in groups of 5. Dermot loved this because he got a reward for knowing a certain amount of words. Then, of course, Dermot hit the point where he was not the first kid to learn all 150 words (I think he was third). This was horrible. As soon as the first kid got 150, Dermot gave up for a while. How dare he not "win". Finally the lure of the prize for all 150 was enough to get him back on the horse, but we had to be really careful how we handled him during this time.
More recently, Dermot won't bowl because he can't beat us. He won't play mini golf because he can't beat us. When we were in Ocean City this last time, I asked him if it would be okay if he played mini golf by himself. I thought that I found the answer. I told him that the only way to get better was to practice and that a person should always compare their performance to their previous performances, not to the performances of others. Dermot said that it would be stupid to play by himself because then his score wouldn't matter. His score only mattered if he could compare it someone else's. He decided that it would be okay if he played mini golf against Ethan as long as Ethan played with his non-strong hand and with his eye closed. Well Ethan did all that and still managed to get a hole in one on the first hole. Oh my goodness, did Dermot throw a fit. So then he started just hitting the ball without looking. He was losing on purpose. Half way through he was so frustrated that he just started crying. It wasn't fair that he couldn't win even with Ethan closing his eyes.
Honestly, I hate to see Dermot go through this pain, when it feels so self-inflicted. I know that it's completely who he is and at this age he has no control over it. I try to demonstrate handling loss and imperfection the correct way. I laugh at myself. I point out how I'm going to do better next time. I analyze my mistakes in front of him, so that he sees that not succeeding is just a chance to figure out how to do things better. The problem is it's hard to pay attention to someone being calm when things go wrong. His emotions also come up so hard and fast, that at this age he has no control over them. I try to keep that in mind when working with him, but it's also really annoying having an intelligent child act like a toddler when things don't go his way.
I am slowing working with Dermot on two fronts. First, having to work at something and being challenged is fantastic. That's when you know you are learning. Easy stuff is boring. Challenging stuff is life affirming. Second, no one is good at everything. Eventually we all have to do things we are not good at. Childhood is the best time to learn how to cope with that reality.
The hardest part is that I have limited coping skills when it comes to my own perfectionism. So it's hard to pass on what you don't really have. Right now I'm mainly trying to do it verbally and by being emotionally supportive, but that's a really slow road.
Dermot has no patience for anything that he cannot do perfectly the first time. He will either hit himself or the couch, quit and never try again, or scream/grunt. I have a million examples, but I'm going to try to focus on the classic examples.
Dermot hit all of his early milestones on time or early until it came to sitting up. Dermot didn't sit up until 8 months. I was told that if he wasn't sitting up by 9 months, the doctor would be worried and would start running tests. I knew that Dermot was okay, and I didn't want to deal with tests. As a developmental psychologist, I was taught that babies reach the milestones when they are meant to. Pushing kids doesn't really make the early physical milestones happen any earlier. So I hadn't really pushed Dermot. Once I got the warning about testing, however, I started working with Dermot. We had a bunch of toys that Dermot needed to sit up to play with that we had stored away until he was sitting up. Within a week of pulling out all of these toys, Dermot was sitting up. It was as if he didn't have a reason to sit up, so he didn't try.
Later, he walked late. He started cruising at around 10 months of age. Our house in Iowa had an open plan and he could get pretty much anywhere by holding on to walls, railings, or furniture. He didn't walk until 15 months. He practiced walking for 5 months because he was afraid to do it without being able to do it perfectly. Once he started walking, he never fell. Ever. He also never took one or two steps. Once he walked, he walked. Within a week he looked like he had been walking for months and he was running within days. He wouldn't walk until he could do it perfectly.
When Dermot was in preschool, I pushed pre-reading on him pretty hard. I was an early reader, and I assumed because Dermot was bright that he would be an early reader too. He wasn't, and that's fine. I had to get over my assumptions and focus on who he was. The hard part was hearing him talk about reading. At 4 he would tell me that he was never going to read. It was too hard and therefore it wasn't worth doing. He told me that when he was in college, I would need to read his books to him. He saw no point in reading. Thank goodness for video games and Pokemon. He eventually got sick of having to ask us to read everything in order for him to play.
By the middle of kindergarten Dermot was opening up to reading. They taught reading in his kindergarten by having the kids memorize 150 sight words in groups of 5. Dermot loved this because he got a reward for knowing a certain amount of words. Then, of course, Dermot hit the point where he was not the first kid to learn all 150 words (I think he was third). This was horrible. As soon as the first kid got 150, Dermot gave up for a while. How dare he not "win". Finally the lure of the prize for all 150 was enough to get him back on the horse, but we had to be really careful how we handled him during this time.
More recently, Dermot won't bowl because he can't beat us. He won't play mini golf because he can't beat us. When we were in Ocean City this last time, I asked him if it would be okay if he played mini golf by himself. I thought that I found the answer. I told him that the only way to get better was to practice and that a person should always compare their performance to their previous performances, not to the performances of others. Dermot said that it would be stupid to play by himself because then his score wouldn't matter. His score only mattered if he could compare it someone else's. He decided that it would be okay if he played mini golf against Ethan as long as Ethan played with his non-strong hand and with his eye closed. Well Ethan did all that and still managed to get a hole in one on the first hole. Oh my goodness, did Dermot throw a fit. So then he started just hitting the ball without looking. He was losing on purpose. Half way through he was so frustrated that he just started crying. It wasn't fair that he couldn't win even with Ethan closing his eyes.
Honestly, I hate to see Dermot go through this pain, when it feels so self-inflicted. I know that it's completely who he is and at this age he has no control over it. I try to demonstrate handling loss and imperfection the correct way. I laugh at myself. I point out how I'm going to do better next time. I analyze my mistakes in front of him, so that he sees that not succeeding is just a chance to figure out how to do things better. The problem is it's hard to pay attention to someone being calm when things go wrong. His emotions also come up so hard and fast, that at this age he has no control over them. I try to keep that in mind when working with him, but it's also really annoying having an intelligent child act like a toddler when things don't go his way.
I am slowing working with Dermot on two fronts. First, having to work at something and being challenged is fantastic. That's when you know you are learning. Easy stuff is boring. Challenging stuff is life affirming. Second, no one is good at everything. Eventually we all have to do things we are not good at. Childhood is the best time to learn how to cope with that reality.
The hardest part is that I have limited coping skills when it comes to my own perfectionism. So it's hard to pass on what you don't really have. Right now I'm mainly trying to do it verbally and by being emotionally supportive, but that's a really slow road.
August 28, 2011
Frustration
I originally went to graduate school to better understand typical teenagers. I was so sick of the bad rap that they got. Most teens are good kids. They are not having sex all of the time, they are not criminals, they are not all drunk or on drugs, and they aren't always talking back to all adults. Those bad kids get the spotlight. I wanted to know what "normal" kids are like. That's what developmental psychology is all about.
When I went to Purdue and I started taking my classes from some really bright developmental psychologists, I realized that I didn't recognize "typical" development. I have always felt like an outsider. Even as an undergraduate I found psychology fascinating because I didn't know that people worked like that. I thought it would be different when I started studying how we grow up. Psychology is a science of averages. What does the typical person look like? How does the typical person change over time? There are always exceptions to our rules. I tell my students that statistically people are full of error. That being said, when normal people start learning about developmental psychology, they see themselves. They at least recognize stories that their parents have told them about themselves. I didn't. Part of it was that I was forced to grow up too fast. Part of it was that I was suffering from mental health issues at an early age, and part of it was associated with my giftedness. I'm not like most people. I'm like two percent or less of people. Honestly, that made learning developmental psychology more interesting because I wanted to know what this organism "human being" was like since it wasn't me. I tell my students that I think of psychology as the zoology of people. I feel like an outsider studying a specific species. People are just infinitely fascinating to me.
The reason I am writing this here is that having a non-typical child also makes parenting much more difficult. I know what's supposed to happen and then Dermot doesn't follow that course. I know how to change his behavior, but it doesn't work. This affects my perfectionism and I feel like a failure as a parent. I should know better. Hell, I have a Ph.D. in child development. I could charge money to tell other parents what to do, and I'd probably do a pretty good job. But, I can't figure out anything in my own home. Dermot doesn't mind being punished. I refuse to spank him, but I take things away, I verbally correct him, I talk to him about why he should and shouldn't do certain things, I praise him for correct behavior, etc. I do everything that I should be doing, and yet Dermot's negative behaviors don't change. He's so involved in his own world, that he doesn't mind that his actions affect us negatively. I also think that we've gone so far overboard in building up his self-esteem and letting him know that we love him, that he knows he can't really push us away. That as bad as he can be at times, we will still love him.
Now I grew up getting the belt daily and really not thinking my parents loved me, so I would rather have this problem, than having him hate me already, but it's frustrating. When I think of the behaviors that drive me craziest, I realize that I had variations of the same behaviors. When I think of how my parents controlled me, I know that it was entirely by fear. Even then, I was so willful that I still knowingly disobeyed at least daily, and usually more. But I grew up to be a good kid who was overly empathetic. My fear is that Dermot doesn't really seem to be all that empathetic with us. He's extremely so with the cats (at times) and with other kids. So it's not a lost cause. When he gets hit with empathy he gets hard, but he doesn't feel it as often as I would have expected. Now he's only 7.5, so it might still increase. I remember 10-18 being my hardest years about really feeling everyone else's pain. But those are long term concerns. For now, I just want him to quit burping and farting at will. I want him to stop hitting himself or the couch or yelling when he's frustrated. I want him to put away his toys. I want him to turn off the TV and the lights when he leaves a room. and I want him to sit in a chair and eat at the same time as we do. I don't think that's too much to ask a 7 year old. If he only knew what was expected of me at 7, he would freak out.
I'm not really asking for suggestions, because I really have tried most things. I have a friend with an adult child who was even worse than this. She said that she couldn't punish him at all. He always found a way to either ignore it or turn it into something positive. He's turned into a great adult. So that's my hope. I think that Dermot will be fantastic in the future, and I feel like shit waiting for things to get better because it means that I'm not fully enjoying 7-year-old Dermot, and I should be. I don't know if I need to be harder on him or if I need to just learn to let things go. It's probably a mixture of both or somewhere in the middle. That's also something that psychology tends to tell us. Whenever there are two views or theories, eventually we find out the truth is a mixture or in the middle. I need to keep that in mind.
When I went to Purdue and I started taking my classes from some really bright developmental psychologists, I realized that I didn't recognize "typical" development. I have always felt like an outsider. Even as an undergraduate I found psychology fascinating because I didn't know that people worked like that. I thought it would be different when I started studying how we grow up. Psychology is a science of averages. What does the typical person look like? How does the typical person change over time? There are always exceptions to our rules. I tell my students that statistically people are full of error. That being said, when normal people start learning about developmental psychology, they see themselves. They at least recognize stories that their parents have told them about themselves. I didn't. Part of it was that I was forced to grow up too fast. Part of it was that I was suffering from mental health issues at an early age, and part of it was associated with my giftedness. I'm not like most people. I'm like two percent or less of people. Honestly, that made learning developmental psychology more interesting because I wanted to know what this organism "human being" was like since it wasn't me. I tell my students that I think of psychology as the zoology of people. I feel like an outsider studying a specific species. People are just infinitely fascinating to me.
The reason I am writing this here is that having a non-typical child also makes parenting much more difficult. I know what's supposed to happen and then Dermot doesn't follow that course. I know how to change his behavior, but it doesn't work. This affects my perfectionism and I feel like a failure as a parent. I should know better. Hell, I have a Ph.D. in child development. I could charge money to tell other parents what to do, and I'd probably do a pretty good job. But, I can't figure out anything in my own home. Dermot doesn't mind being punished. I refuse to spank him, but I take things away, I verbally correct him, I talk to him about why he should and shouldn't do certain things, I praise him for correct behavior, etc. I do everything that I should be doing, and yet Dermot's negative behaviors don't change. He's so involved in his own world, that he doesn't mind that his actions affect us negatively. I also think that we've gone so far overboard in building up his self-esteem and letting him know that we love him, that he knows he can't really push us away. That as bad as he can be at times, we will still love him.
Now I grew up getting the belt daily and really not thinking my parents loved me, so I would rather have this problem, than having him hate me already, but it's frustrating. When I think of the behaviors that drive me craziest, I realize that I had variations of the same behaviors. When I think of how my parents controlled me, I know that it was entirely by fear. Even then, I was so willful that I still knowingly disobeyed at least daily, and usually more. But I grew up to be a good kid who was overly empathetic. My fear is that Dermot doesn't really seem to be all that empathetic with us. He's extremely so with the cats (at times) and with other kids. So it's not a lost cause. When he gets hit with empathy he gets hard, but he doesn't feel it as often as I would have expected. Now he's only 7.5, so it might still increase. I remember 10-18 being my hardest years about really feeling everyone else's pain. But those are long term concerns. For now, I just want him to quit burping and farting at will. I want him to stop hitting himself or the couch or yelling when he's frustrated. I want him to put away his toys. I want him to turn off the TV and the lights when he leaves a room. and I want him to sit in a chair and eat at the same time as we do. I don't think that's too much to ask a 7 year old. If he only knew what was expected of me at 7, he would freak out.
I'm not really asking for suggestions, because I really have tried most things. I have a friend with an adult child who was even worse than this. She said that she couldn't punish him at all. He always found a way to either ignore it or turn it into something positive. He's turned into a great adult. So that's my hope. I think that Dermot will be fantastic in the future, and I feel like shit waiting for things to get better because it means that I'm not fully enjoying 7-year-old Dermot, and I should be. I don't know if I need to be harder on him or if I need to just learn to let things go. It's probably a mixture of both or somewhere in the middle. That's also something that psychology tends to tell us. Whenever there are two views or theories, eventually we find out the truth is a mixture or in the middle. I need to keep that in mind.
August 26, 2011
Vacation
Writing about myself is starting to feel a little icky. I've actually worked out some things by what I have written. I may pick this thread up later, or I may not. School starts for Dermot on the 7th and I'm gearing up for the big powwow with his principal and teacher now that I have ammo. First, I want to talk about what going on vacation with Dermot is like.
When we bring up going on vacation, Dermot doesn't want to go anywhere but Ocean City in New Jersey. We're close to Boston and D.C., and we've brought up Disney in either FL or CA and even Legoland in San Diego, which looks great. Dermot always screams bloody murder. Those places won't be any fun. Those places will be boring. Those places are too far away.
He's completely afraid of new things. I am so torn on how to deal with this. Part of me (and this part is winning, it's just a slow process) is convinced that my job as parent is to expose Dermot to new things. I need him to learn that new things are fascinating, not scary. If you try something and you don't like it, you have learned something. The learning itself is valuable. Most things that I know I do not like, I have tried. I can tell you 100% that I don't like going down any slides at the water park that involve an inner tube. The lazy river is okay, but no slides. I can't handle spinning amusement park rides any more, but I tried. The trying is important. Dermot won't try. He has fear that I never had.
The other part of me (the psychologist) realizes that this is part of Dermot's temperament. He was just built this way. He's been this way for most of his life, and it's actually gotten worse, not better. As a psychologist, I know that parents really don't have that much impact on temperamental issues. Parents hate to hear that, but it's really true, especially for kids in the top 10 or bottom 10 percent of a trait. Within the middle, there's more room for movement. Dermot seems to be fairly extreme in this trait of his. That being said, he will have to do new scary things throughout his life. He can't have everything be the exact same as it is now forever. My responsibility to Dermot is to teach him coping skills for dealing with his fear. To balance these two sides, I pick my battles. I know that all parents pick their battles, but Dermot's reactions to everything are always so extreme. SO EXTREME!
I also struggle with the need to balance Dermot's fears with my own need to explore. Gifted children are supposed to be curious and inquisitive, and Dermot only shows that in specific domains. Even when we go to OCNJ, he won't try anything new. It always has to be the same thing. He would be happy to just go to Jilly's arcade, Hollywood arcade, and the hotel's pool. I can do all of those things at my house without paying for the hotel. I'm the one who made us rent a surrey for the first time (which he loved). On the other hand, I made him play mini golf and that was a complete disaster, but that's for a different post. I am going to tackle his perfectionism in its own post. It's that huge.
I want to explore everything. A big part of being a professor is that I have a pleasant income and summers off I should be able to explore things. I thought that Dermot and I could have some great day trips, but he won't even do things like that with me. There are tons of cool places around here, and he shows no interest in them. Or he has already been to them on daycare field trips and once was enough. Dermot doesn't even want to go to New York City because he says it's boring. NYC is never boring. Never.
I'm hoping that in the next few years, I can slowly prod Dermot into trying more new things. I'm also encouraging him to remember how many fun things we have done that he was completely against doing. He never wanted to go to Philly, but we made him and he loved it. Of course, he thinks its boring now and doesn't want to go back, but that's a different subject. He doesn't trust Ethan and I enough to know that we know what he likes. When we force him to do things against his will, most of the time he enjoys himself because we do know what he likes and doesn't like. I told him that it's not like I'm taking him to flower shows or art museums, which he would hate.
When we bring up going on vacation, Dermot doesn't want to go anywhere but Ocean City in New Jersey. We're close to Boston and D.C., and we've brought up Disney in either FL or CA and even Legoland in San Diego, which looks great. Dermot always screams bloody murder. Those places won't be any fun. Those places will be boring. Those places are too far away.
He's completely afraid of new things. I am so torn on how to deal with this. Part of me (and this part is winning, it's just a slow process) is convinced that my job as parent is to expose Dermot to new things. I need him to learn that new things are fascinating, not scary. If you try something and you don't like it, you have learned something. The learning itself is valuable. Most things that I know I do not like, I have tried. I can tell you 100% that I don't like going down any slides at the water park that involve an inner tube. The lazy river is okay, but no slides. I can't handle spinning amusement park rides any more, but I tried. The trying is important. Dermot won't try. He has fear that I never had.
The other part of me (the psychologist) realizes that this is part of Dermot's temperament. He was just built this way. He's been this way for most of his life, and it's actually gotten worse, not better. As a psychologist, I know that parents really don't have that much impact on temperamental issues. Parents hate to hear that, but it's really true, especially for kids in the top 10 or bottom 10 percent of a trait. Within the middle, there's more room for movement. Dermot seems to be fairly extreme in this trait of his. That being said, he will have to do new scary things throughout his life. He can't have everything be the exact same as it is now forever. My responsibility to Dermot is to teach him coping skills for dealing with his fear. To balance these two sides, I pick my battles. I know that all parents pick their battles, but Dermot's reactions to everything are always so extreme. SO EXTREME!
I also struggle with the need to balance Dermot's fears with my own need to explore. Gifted children are supposed to be curious and inquisitive, and Dermot only shows that in specific domains. Even when we go to OCNJ, he won't try anything new. It always has to be the same thing. He would be happy to just go to Jilly's arcade, Hollywood arcade, and the hotel's pool. I can do all of those things at my house without paying for the hotel. I'm the one who made us rent a surrey for the first time (which he loved). On the other hand, I made him play mini golf and that was a complete disaster, but that's for a different post. I am going to tackle his perfectionism in its own post. It's that huge.
I want to explore everything. A big part of being a professor is that I have a pleasant income and summers off I should be able to explore things. I thought that Dermot and I could have some great day trips, but he won't even do things like that with me. There are tons of cool places around here, and he shows no interest in them. Or he has already been to them on daycare field trips and once was enough. Dermot doesn't even want to go to New York City because he says it's boring. NYC is never boring. Never.
I'm hoping that in the next few years, I can slowly prod Dermot into trying more new things. I'm also encouraging him to remember how many fun things we have done that he was completely against doing. He never wanted to go to Philly, but we made him and he loved it. Of course, he thinks its boring now and doesn't want to go back, but that's a different subject. He doesn't trust Ethan and I enough to know that we know what he likes. When we force him to do things against his will, most of the time he enjoys himself because we do know what he likes and doesn't like. I told him that it's not like I'm taking him to flower shows or art museums, which he would hate.
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